YOU GOTTA' LOVE THIS!!!

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Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young womenskinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch youladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed thealligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

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Just like Mom

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout .. and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him and said “Thank you”.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"It can't be that much ! I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied "Yes, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."

DON'T TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES

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This Just In...

FLASH!
It may interest you all to know there are repercussions of the bombings on the continent as well.
I heard that M Chirac has just raised the French terror alert status from 'Run' to 'Hide'.
This is quite serious as there are only two higher alerts in France, which are 'Surrender' and
finally 'Collaborate'.
It is said the rise was precipitated by a fire in the French white flag factory which has effectively crippled their military.

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The 23rd Psalm (As Written by The Government)

The Government is my Shepherd, I need not work.

It encourageth me to lie down on a good job.

It leadeth me beside the still factories.

It destroyeth my initiative and confiscateth my earnings.

It leadeth me in the path of a parasite, for politic's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of deficit spending,

I will fear no evil, for the Government is with me.

Its Social Security and its price supports, they comfort me.

It promiseth an economic utopia, and appropriateth all the earnings of my grandchildren.

It filleth my head with the false security of a dream world, Until my inefficiency runneth over.

Surely the Government will care for me all the days of my life, And I shall dwell in a fools' paradise forever.

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THE CROWDED BED....THE CAT IS THE ONLY ONE AWAKE

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WAVE OF THE FUTURE

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FASHIONABLE TERRORIST

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IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

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IF WOMEN RULES THE WORLD 2

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IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD 3

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IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD 4

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WONDER MAN...WHY SHOULD WOMEN GET ALL THE COOL OUTFITS??

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THE BLONDE AND THE SUN

A blond wanted to do something smart so she decided to go to the sun.The scientist said she could not do that because she would burn and die and she said,"Duh!Thats why I'm going at night"!

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BLONDE DETECTIVES

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

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AT THE BORDER

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were walking to a picnic across the Mexican border. When they arrived at the border, an officer stopped them. He asked them where they were going and they told him that they were going to a picnic. The officer then asked the brunette what she was bringing to the picnic. She told him that she was bringing some wine in case they got thirsty. So the officer said that she could go, and she did. Then the officer asked the red head what she was bringing to the picnic. She said that she was bringing some food in case they got hungry. So the officer allowed her to go. Then he asked the blonde what she was bringing to the picnic. The blonde replied, "I'm bringing a car door in case we get hot. Then we can roll down the window."

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AT THE DOCTOR

A brunette goes to see the doctor. "What's the trouble?" he asks her. She tells him, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." "Show me," the doctor says. She touches her elbow and says "Ouch", she touches her knee and says "Ouch", she touches her head and says "Ouch! See Doctor! Everywhere I touch, it hurts!" The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, surprised, "Why no! I'm really a blonde. Why?" He tells her, "Because your finger is broken".

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THE GUARANTEE

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

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HORSEBACK RIDING

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs
for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to
throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of
the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its
slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to
leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and
over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart
greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

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Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared
away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I
got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir.."